we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
