my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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