I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
