some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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