I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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