i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
