Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
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