gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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