I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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