new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
