Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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