i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
well you can't waste a boner
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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