I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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