Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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