I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
