I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
