I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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