So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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