apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
