wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
