Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
