We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize