I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
