mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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