then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
