I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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