toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
