Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
