DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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