Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
