I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You were trust falling into bushes
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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