so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize