Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
