You really coming over, don't trick.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
