no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
