I wanna passion pit in your ass
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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