i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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