So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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