pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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