fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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