I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize