You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
