My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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