Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
