Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
