i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
