So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
