i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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