so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
