I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
