he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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