I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
