Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
