sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
