I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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