she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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