I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
