the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
