I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
