im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
