Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
