I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
A+ Viking dick
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
