You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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